December 31, 2010

The right man

When I've found the right man, shouldn't the world make a bit more sense?
Shouldn't I feel more settled, because everything seems right, seems at peace?


If I like someone, and there are looming big questions, and these questions prompt deep, continued conversation, and it seems that these big questions must be resolved even before we kiss... Do all these big "issues" mean that I should not take time to become emotionally involved with him?

It's one in the morning, and I'm contemplative.  I have no answers, and my intuition seems murky.
Post comments below please -

December 15, 2010

Personal value. Love. Orphanages in Ecuador. Sharing Jesus.

I wrote the following letter to Lilly.  I met her when I sat next to her on a bus in Ecuador.  She was volunteering at Santuario del Olon, an orphanage on the coast in Olon, Ecuador.  We started a dialogue which I... didn't much enjoy.  Everything she spoke of somehow had to do with Jesus.  I felt a bit awkward.  "There's more to life!"  I was thinking.  Later I emailed her and said she shouldn't preach at people.  Then I realized - If she truly believes that Jesus saved her soul, I should hope to God that she would tell everyone about it!

A recent letter I wrote to her -
I think it little coincidence that the day I choose to reply to you is the day I happen to read the chapter in Blue like Jazz about loving yourself.

"The key to everything rests in the ability to receive love...  I had no peace.  I was clingy, always wanting affection and approval."
It says that one cannot truly love others if they're not loving themselves.  And the only way to really love yourself is to realize how God sees you, and how he loves you.

Who or what chooses my personal value?
Do I allow my mom or my boss or statistics or accomplishments or titles determine my worth?  Do I let little nasty jabs from friends 10 years ago continue to fester, telling me I will not ever amount to anything? 
Do I choose to allow my internal or immediate circumstances to determine my value?  Of how much I accomplished that day or staying depressed in my overwhelmed state?  What about my tremendous physical illness?  Does the way I physically feel, and the medical diagnoses I have determine my value?

Somewhere in there I'm supposed to "hear" God.  To know He exists.  I know he exists.  And to know he really really cares about ME - me.  I don't know that he really cares about me.  I know that he is good to me, that he has richly blessed me, that he has intervened on my behalf - But I don't know how this is personal on his end.

THANK YOU for caring.

Merry Christmas!  (It's 2 a.m.  Be nice.)
It honors me that you read my words.

My blog just surpassed 10,000 views.

That's rather astonishing, to be frank.  4,800 individual people have visited my site.

I encourage you to comment on any blogs you read - your reflections are always welcome in my life!
And it makes me feel good.  :)
Cheers and love,

In Love (?)

I wrote this blog last summer.
But I wasn't emotionally ready to share it...
My heart is in a different place now.  Further along on my path, I hope.
Please comment.

Disorganized musings from a hurting girl


There is a man that I know.

I love him.

- It is nighttime. I sit on the second story deck in the dark as the rain pounds down hard, splashing back up on my face. -

He is perfect; yet he and I both know he is not perfect. In fact, a few times we discussed his weaknesses and faults. It was a good talk.

I haven't seen him in months. I don't know when I will see him again. And that's ok. But it... it's difficult.

He treasures me. He tells me he loves me, even after I dump out the words describing the things I like least about myself. He reassures me when I feel weak or confused. He knows when to hold me close. Except that we are not close. He is not with me, he cannot hold me, and I am left simply knowing that he would if he could.

I haven't written a song in almost ten years. But one night some months ago I wrote a song. Because I was hurting, and I wanted to tell him that he was foolish for not chasing me with all his being. It's the type of song with a fast beat and happy-sounding melody, but intense words calling for attention and agreement from both the audience and the foolish boy. I wrote the song lyrics in my journal. Some parts are scratched out because they didn't fit the tempo. And the pages are warped from all my crying while I wrote. I don't know when I'll be able to look at the song again.

- Tears trail down my chin and drip onto my hands. I wipe my nose and take a deep gulp of red wine, muffling my sob. -

I choose to not see him. We choose to not see each other, better said.

You see, we simply cannot be. We cannot be because, albeit an amazing connection, albeit we feed each other energy and feed off each other all while remaining independent, well, we cannot be because something is missing.

That knowing.

December 14, 2010

Easy: 60 seconds to write to our troops

(shameless copy-paste blog)
Note:  I don't usually pass these along, but thought it was a worthwhile cause.  It is not meant to imply that I agree with any of the conflicts we are currently engaged in, but that we do need to support our troops regardless of our personal opinion. 
If you go to this web site, you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will send it to a soldier that is serving overseas. You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to a member of the armed services.

How AMAZING it would be if we could get everyone we know to send one!!! It is FREE and it only takes about 60 seconds.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch of these? Whether you are for or against the war, our soldiers over there need to know we are behind them.

Please take the time and please take the time to pass it on for your friends to participate as well.