December 15, 2010

In Love (?)

I wrote this blog last summer.
But I wasn't emotionally ready to share it...
My heart is in a different place now.  Further along on my path, I hope.
Please comment.

Disorganized musings from a hurting girl


There is a man that I know.

I love him.

- It is nighttime. I sit on the second story deck in the dark as the rain pounds down hard, splashing back up on my face. -

He is perfect; yet he and I both know he is not perfect. In fact, a few times we discussed his weaknesses and faults. It was a good talk.

I haven't seen him in months. I don't know when I will see him again. And that's ok. But it... it's difficult.

He treasures me. He tells me he loves me, even after I dump out the words describing the things I like least about myself. He reassures me when I feel weak or confused. He knows when to hold me close. Except that we are not close. He is not with me, he cannot hold me, and I am left simply knowing that he would if he could.

I haven't written a song in almost ten years. But one night some months ago I wrote a song. Because I was hurting, and I wanted to tell him that he was foolish for not chasing me with all his being. It's the type of song with a fast beat and happy-sounding melody, but intense words calling for attention and agreement from both the audience and the foolish boy. I wrote the song lyrics in my journal. Some parts are scratched out because they didn't fit the tempo. And the pages are warped from all my crying while I wrote. I don't know when I'll be able to look at the song again.

- Tears trail down my chin and drip onto my hands. I wipe my nose and take a deep gulp of red wine, muffling my sob. -

I choose to not see him. We choose to not see each other, better said.

You see, we simply cannot be. We cannot be because, albeit an amazing connection, albeit we feed each other energy and feed off each other all while remaining independent, well, we cannot be because something is missing.

That knowing.

You know how when you meet someone and fall in love, and then you “know”? You have this knowing in the pit of your stomach and the pit of your soul, you know that you know that you know that this person is yours; this person was created for you.

I don't have that knowing. Neither does he.

I remember the night vividly when he told me we simply cannot be; he read a list of reasons including how he perceived our spiritual beliefs could not coexist (to which I disagree), and a few concerns which could be overcome, but very last of all – he said that something was missing. I hated that conversation.

- The rain finally calms. My face is a mess, my jeans are wet, and my ankles are tired from sitting Indian-style on the hard deck. I decide I must write this note. -

I was so glad he said something was missing. In the movies it's always the girl who says that something is missing, and then the boy is hurt because he feels like it's just an excuse she makes to get rid of him. This time, the boy said it. And the girl agreed.

So now, a long time later, I sit on a soggy deck with the bottom of a glass of red wine.

I want so deeply to tell this man that I love him. I want to love him. And yet – I know I cannot. And this is precisely what consumes me.

It seems I found the perfect man, but not the right man.

I am left 27 and single. Wanting companionship. Wanting love.

And stalled. I cannot say I am fully in love with him. I am finally attracted to other men. I wish I had the knowledge to let go of him. But part of me... does not want to let go. Because he loves me for me. And because he, himself, is lovely. And because, most of all, I love him.

I realize I have an acute fear. I fear that if I reject him as my life partner, I will never find someone his match or better. This fear can be crippling. Yet I know that anyone who is the correct match for me will be “better” - Not necessarily better caliber of character, but a better match.

I write this and wonder, What if there is a man reading this letter right now, a man who loves me and wants to tell me he loves me, but now thinks my heart belongs to another? AAAAk, what a fine mess that would be. Because this tremendous part of me wants to move on, wants to find my Mister Right, wants to be in love with a man who can fully love me back – The last thing I need is to chase away the man whom I will know is created to be my companion.

I am confused. I am in love with someone I cannot have, and love some man I have not yet met (or at least if I have met him, I do not realize his tremendous future with me.) I'm excited to meet my future husband. I'm excited for courtship, for making eyes at each other, for quiet moments, for intimacy, for lovemaking. I am excited for memories and traditions, for disagreements and dislikes, and all that comes with making history with someone.

The chaff from the bottom of the wine bottle rests on the sides of the glass, swept up by my finishing the last drops of its kindness. I know it is time to allow the glass to be rinsed and put away for the night.

Yet, this all seems so unfinished...


  1. knowing is a good way to describe it. Love can happen many times, and in so many ways. but knowing the forever ONE is totally different. I think you will know ;)

  2. Way to whet the appetite for a story! I was so emotionally engrossed in this! :)

    I'm with Hallie--love CAN happen many times and in so many ways. But the knowing is a different thing entirely.

    I read this right after reading your post on Miss Lily, and in my tired state I actually thought at first you were writing about God. That longing to be held, the desire to be treasured... it paralleled so closely your words in the Miss Lily post about wanting to know you are loved by, beloved of, God.

    I know for me, it took putting The Boy behind me (and oh, it was a horrible, soul-wrenching blow!) and really letting Jesus become my Lover. Jesus became my husband in very real, very painful, very beautiful, very intimate ways. Only after that did he bring me a man to be a husband in the physical sense, in the human sense, of the term.

    Your heart's desires will be met in full!

  3. I found that love isn't something that just happens...yes, you have the initial attraction that makes you think something is possible, but that happens with many people. Not so often is that feeling reciprocated. When it is, it's only the is a continual choice you make every waking moment: to continue to love someone even though he/she is not perfect, to see through it, and to give everything you risk rejection in the hope that the other would return it.

    I looked for a long time in the wrong places for a wife, faced a LOT of rejection, and then found one that loved me back. When I found that one, the Lord put that love to the test: He wanted to make sure He was still my #1 priority despite my newfound love. He asked me to move states away, away from everything I knew and had...and loved for Him. I followed and the one I loved didn't, couldn't understand. She thought I was leaving her even though I asked her to come with me.
    She had her flaws too, as well as me...not quite the same beliefs but the same foundation to work with. But I loved her anyway, she loved me back. I cried out to the Father believing that we belonged together and He told me to hold steady and to follow Him. She pressured me to stay behind and couldn't believe that God would do that to us. It was extremely difficult to say the least. The following week she came back to me and I proposed one week later after dating for only 2 1/2 months. We moved away together and married one month later!
    Now, 4 1/2 years later, we have two beautiful boys together and we have bettered each other. Am I still attracted to others from time to time? Yes, everyone feels that, I believe. But I choose to love and to stay with my wife. The Lord teaches me every day how to love her more, and better.

    Now, if I were in your shoes and still felt that way after 10 years...I would do something about it. If Jesus resides in me and His will becomes my will and I still am pulled to this person, it's there for a reason. There's a risk, and it sucks, but that's the beauty of love; you put it all out there and so does the other. If he decides against it, you have no regrets because you tried, it's his loss; Jesus will bless you with someone else even more suited for you.

    Go finish the story Rose, it needs an ending.


  4. I'm glad to see you're baring your soul in public, that you're sharing who you really are and what you really think, which is something most people fear doing. I believe you've read some of my entries and have found them to be low on comments. People have told me they don't know what to say to something so intimate.

    I don't have much to say about your situation/dilemma. I think I may (still) be in love with the woman whose wedding I attended last summer, and even though friends advise me to tell her, I'm cool with the situation, for what matters most to me is her happiness. Could she be happier with me? Maybe, but I've done enough silly 'romantic' things for one life-time I think. :)

    Darn, making this too much about me. :) I hope you find some answers. I believe only you can do that.

    Well-written by the way!

  5. Your writing is lovely. And perhaps the story will continue before it ends....

    As for the content:

    I remember when I was young, when I believed in kismet, soulmates, "knowing," the one. I'm not religious: I think such feelings are biologically oriented, designed to make good genetic choices. And yes, of course there is also a spiritual component, inextricably linked with the body. (I think our spirits on their own, free of physical constraints, recognize everyone as The One -- hence the concept of "Namaste.")

    Notice also the element of tragedy in all great love stories about two people who experience "the one": the lovers are usually separated for life, or one (even both) die when young. That's because when the ones who "know" each other get together and stay together, they eventually discover just how much they really don't know one another at all. Dis-illusion-ment is a painful thing, and an important part of growth.

    I invite you to this disillusionment earlier in the process: let go of the concept of "the one." Open to the possibility of having a relationship work simply because two people are willing to do the work of making it work. Of course it shouldn't become a titanic struggle, which is a red flag that one or the other of you has some major missing parts and needs to go back to the drawing board to work on yourself.... But in the real world, injuries arise and passions abate. And it is in the NOT knowing that we find our true selves.

    "I wanted to tell him that he was foolish for not chasing me with all his being." Rose, some of us are not chasers, or runners. We're just here. And we want to be with others who don't run or chase either. The balance of intimacy and autonomy boils down to this: acceptance. Of self, of the other, of what is. Maybe that's not terribly passionate.... but there is the peace and contentment of steadily glowing embers from which a fire may reliably be stoked. And that beats a conflagration/burnout hands-down.

    That said, I realize that some of us are wired to be "here" while others are wired to enjoy the distancing/pursuing activities of relationship. So maybe that's where the essential difference resides between you and the object of your affection. He's a tortoise and you're a hare:

    Back in the Eighties, Dorothy Tennov wrote a book called Love and Limerence in which she coined the term limerence to describe the falling-in-love experience, the wild ride of passion and pain which some people experience while others do not. I see it's been reprinted:

    Last but not least, I'm reminded of the words of Comte DeBussy-Rabutin: “Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, and enkindles the great.” Great and powerful words from a guy who was also an orgiast and a gossip:,_Comte_de_Bussy

    Or maybe he stole it from François de la Rochefoucauld, who lived at the same time and was considered to be of moral character, and who wrote: “Absence weakens mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out candles and kindles fires.”çois_de_La_Rochefoucauld_(writer) So you see, Rose.... we are not always given credit for our words or our passions, but we can always take full credit for our own struggles.

    This fellow has stirred up within you your own longing for completion -- a completion you would do well to find within yourself at the same time you seek it in the "one." Remember that the first "one" is you, and that one and one make two over the long haul, even when they want to make one for the sake of experiencing that blissful union. The real union is in celebrating what you become as catalysts for one another's growth -- which is not about fusion, but about individuation.

  6. Hi Rose,

    i liked reading this a lot... whenever i read your thoughts i am filled with a desire to talk to you, to know more of who you are and what you believe and feel. We hardly know each other, but i always wonder how you are, and would like to know more about who you are. Your entries give me a moment of access that i like. I had often wondered about the question you speak of... about how one really knows if a person is the right person, i wondered if that full knowledge really even exists. Right now i think it does, and as you said i think it comes with accepting imperfections, hers and mine. To me, my girlfriend is perfect, in part because i feel that i can continue being myself and follow my own physical and spiritual path. Although I hope i can follow it and remain by her side. love is such an enveloping subject, i feel your pain and joy. Its good to live with ones heart on the line and full of faith, be it in god or whatever one choses to name (or not name) the forces that give our life meaning

    Love, Enrique

  7. All,
    The Death Cold took over my brain and I chose to wait on a reply until I could think coherently. That day still has not come.
    So, forgive me for my incoherent thoughts.

    First, I wrote this last summer. Some of the thoughts and the state of my heart have substantially changed. What has not is the curiosity about the concept of "The One," and the appropriate path of pursuit.

    Halz, I agree. I think there will be some sort of a click, and a peace settling in my bones. If I know where and when to travel because I feel peace, surely I will know who my husband is because I have peace.

    Harmony, I feel far from the love of God. Not that I feel he dislikes me, but that I don't know how to experience his love. It's been an issue ever since I had a medical change 10 years ago. And medication seems to worsen my seeming incapacity to experience God's love. It's rather tragic. I truly feel that if I understood and experienced God's love for me, much of my life would be different.

    Pete, Thank you for sharing your story. What a tremendously heart wrenching event that must have been! And, in the end, I suppose it made the two of you much stronger because you were willing to fight for one another.
    I don't feel at peace with pursuing a relationship with the man I wrote of. He is a good man, and I have no ill will against him, but this is certainly not the right time, if ever. We decided that if neither of us have married by the time he is 39, we'll hitch up. :) Immensely improbable - he is seeing an amazing woman, and I'm not interested in dating him. But at least I have a back-up from becoming an old spinster. We'll see where life takes us.

    Rene, thank you for the encouragement. It is always a difficult decision to publish something so intimate - I know anyone can google me, and anyone can bring all this up in the future.
    I really appreciate all the feedback I've gotten from others - I would be insecure to have published all this and left out in the cold wondering what my friends think.

    I'm looking forward to making some "silly 'romantic'" gestures in the future... Time will tell.

    Miss Rose

  8. C/M,
    Thank you for your words. I have read them again and again and again, and visited all the links :) Thank you for the many insights and ideas and truisms. I am grateful for your thoughts.

    And to both C/M and

    Enrique -

    "To me, my girlfriend is perfect, in part because i feel that i can continue being myself and follow my own physical and spiritual path."
    This is a value I hold dear to my heart - a fostering and support of individuality within the relationship. Thank you for pointing it out.

    E -Thank you for your lovely thoughts. I appreciate being an access point for you. This is an honor. And, by all means, I will gladly speak with you! Are you in Mexico or NY? :)

    Cheers and love to both of you -
    Miss Rose