August 15, 2009

Sobbing, hurting, and grateful.

Yesterday I finished my workday at 8 p.m. and was craving a huge hamburger. There's a place down the road that sells soda, a messy hamburger with the works, and fresh fries for $3.50. Expensive for my budget, but worth it.

I decided to call around and see who would accompany me. I literally called all the friends in my phone. A few were busy or going out to party. I don't enjoy clubbing. And the rest did not answer their phone.

I have lived in Manta for eight months. How is it that I have not made strong enough friends to find someone to share a burger with???
I remember living in Houston for three months, and in Mexico for five months - And within weeks of living in both places I had too many people calling me wanting to spend time with me and get to know me.

I walked in my door at home. My roommate Maira and her boyfriend were in Maira and I's bedroom. So I sat on a plastic stool in the corner of our empty diningroom and began to cry. Then sob. Maira heard me come in and noticed my obvious pain. She held me close and ran her fingers through my hair as she said, desahogarlo, meaning let it all out. I sobbed for a long while.

I began to tell her about my story, about how much it hurt to have "friends" constantly not call me back or answer my texts. Much worse, to make plans to meet with me and never show... And never apologize, or even mention that they did not come! I find that about 70% of the times a friend sets a date and time to hang out, they do not show.

I have explained this issue to many, and they all agree that it is a societal problem in Manta. I am glad to know it is not about Rose, but about the social atmosphere people choose to create. But this does not diminish my issue.

One of my love languages is quality time. If someone bails on me, I feel unvalued. If they bail on me, how must this reflect on our friendship? And how must I feel when SO many of my "friends" bail on me? It hurts me deeply.

I said that I do not want superficial friends. I want people in my life who truly care about me. Who are interested in me. Who love me. And I especially want women in my life, whom are difficult to come by when men seem to have a more "vested" interest in getting to know me.

I told Maira just how thankful I am to know her and her boyfriend Juan Carlos. They care for me. Maira wants my success. She spends time with me. We help each other out. And she will have no idea how profoundly this has affected me.

I spoke of all of this to Maira.

And then she told me her story - She has lived here all her life, and hardly has any girlfriends at all. She said she has two good friends, but one of them hardly calls back, and the other is usually too busy to spend time with her. Her best friend is Juan Carlos. Juan Carlos is a man of integrity, a joker, and extremely intelligent. I love that I can always learn from this walking encyclopedia. She is blessed to have him.

But she needs women in her life! She is craving this companionship. She told me that she is so grateful I am in her life. That she has someone who cares about her, and someone to be in the apartment and keep her company.

My heart hurts for her. She is in a much worse position than I. This is her community. She has invested her life here. And she is left with empty hands. I am leaving in less than two months, and will not be home for good chunks of this while I travel. What does her future hold?

But in my case, I have SO many of you asking my return date (late October) and telling me you want to see me again. Yesterday a friend told me that I'd better mention my flight number and time I arrive in the airport so he could accompany my family...

Back home I feel wanted. Loved. Cared for. Desired.
I cannot express how profoundly this affects me. How thankful I am for you. How much I need to have this in my life.

I am now ready to come home. It is time. I want to be in a loving community, not a cold community. I will be writing "profiles" of my stellar friends in Manta - It is not that they do not exist, it is that there are so few, and the conditions of the friendships are not traditional. But don't think that I am all alone :)

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Know that I love you although we have not seen each other for eight months.
Please pray that I feel your love. That I feel desired as a human, and of value to our world community.

My heart is heavy, but after just writing about you I feel a bit better. My tears are drying although my nose is still running :)

I love you so much.

- Miss Rose


August 17, 2009

(((((( NOT FOR GRANDMA TO READ!!! ))))))))))

Maira's uncle died three days ago. And her cousin, a taxi driver, was murdered yesterday as thieves stole his car. So Maira and I are going through a difficult time... together. Last night I prayed with her. For her peace. For her family. For God to give grace. These quiet moments were precious.

Today our girlfriend and neighbor Erika gave us pedicures with sugar and plenty of massage. While Maira was receiving hers, piano music played and I gave her a shoulder rub. Her transformation after allowing us to serve her was remarkable.

I am grateful for Maira.

1 comment:

  1. I am a "quality time" person. I can see how that would impact you deeply. Thanks for sending me your blog link. I am going to start following it. Good to see you on FB!